i feel that love is encoded in the genes. just like happiness, perhaps there is a sequence of ATCG which will make a person be a better ‘lover’ than others. they know what things are important to others, and they strive to make it happen, to really truly love a person. other than genetic makeup, i believe that upbringing is very important, too. in fact, i think that genes may constitute about 40%. the rest of the 60% should come from education and upbringing.
my father was born in a family which didnt teach them how to love. rather, they are being taught that being able to fend for oneself is the most important thing. thus, they are now like this. only 10% filled with emotions. the rest, void. when my grandfather passed away, they cried for a transient 10minutes. or less, afterwards, when we were waiting at the waiting room, they were able to talk about other stuff like the news, the weather, the earthquake.
and, they laughed. it was a odd situation. they even laughed at the deathbed. cos the doctor came in, and one of my aunt asked ‘who are you. introduce yourself’. then he said he is doctor xxx (i cant recall) and one of my aunts laughed cos i thnk she tot my aunt asked a stupid question. when she laughed, some other aunts laughed too. i think, according to my heart’s stopwatch, they laughed for a whopping 20seconds. i mean, if we are doing experiments, 20s is not alot. but on the deathbed, i think itwas. i dont understand how this whole mechanism works. it is the first time a relative of mine died. it’s a sense of … lost. the first time i hear the beeping sound go beep…. *pause* beep *pause* , stop. he left.
one of my uncles was late. some cousins dint turn up. some of the uncle or aunts in law were ‘unable to make it’ on a sunday. i mean, work in singapore is really stressful, yea? cant take a leave? cant send an old man off for the last part of his journey? i dont understand. i dont think that companies, having human beings as members of the company, do not have compassion. or is it simply, they cant give a hoot? do not want to open their mouths, or rather send a text message to take a half day leave on a sunday? mind you, fathers day.
so, it was a haphazard, weepy soap opera show going on in the ward. some ppl were absent, some ppl were late. it was turned into a micro theatre, albeit with poor actors and actresses who laughed in the midst of the ‘climax’ (if thats wad they would term it). all of us knelt down. some wept, some wept louder, but soon his body turned yellow, stiff, and cold. then my grandma said, you know, he’s gone, and we should get the nurse to pronounce him dead.
i do not know if the tears are real. i do not know if they view the absent of tears as being not filial. but, get real.
at the waiting room, i tot i heard the word ‘inheritance’. im sorry, nono. no inheritence. althou grandpa was frugal, i think he spent huge part of his money on the house, and my uncle and his family are staying in the house. so i do not think an old man of a certain standard of sanity would fen1 cai2 can3. well, i wouldnt if i know my son would be stayin there.
my father, being the eldest in the family had to settle some stuff like liasing with the undertakers. so, the rest of us got back to my ah gong’s place. to wait for the undertakers to finish setting up the tentage and alter at the void deck.
there you are. you werent at the death bed. your mom too. and wad were you doing at his place? transportation is not an issue, tuition too. nothing is more impt already.
you were playing dance dance revolution???
great. if i were my ah gong i would come back to the house and say ‘FUCK YOU, KNOW? ‘ alright ,thats quite unreal, cos he wont say english. i would say some teochew versions of f.u.
i mean, she isnt very young. when i was 12, i knew wad sorrow was. when my dad left the family when i was 10, i knelt down, cried, and begged him back. he dint came back until he got retrenched. i knew how painful death was althou i only saw those scenes in tv.at least, i knew that death is not a playing matter, especially so when the old man lying in the coffin is your GRANDPA. not the person who clears the rubbish shoot every morning at 6am. she has been spoilt. spoilt rotten. at the house, she could still play, laugh, and get other micro cousin to play with her. the micro cousin is really quite young, so its ok. i dun blame him. because, he was there at the deathbed, and he patted my ah ma when she cried. but hellow, you are primary six. almost as tall as me, with developed breasts already. now a young lady, you know? please, wake up.
i remember the times when my ah gong brought us to the teochew association to get some scholarship/bursary. i was 19 years old then, year1 in uni. cos i did well for my A levels, and the association decided to gimme some cash prize as a reward. well, the cousin. let cousin be = to DDRC where DDRC represents (dance dance revolution cousin)
she was there, and she kept on snatching food from ye ye. when the dishes were served, she was the first to take. she dint even take it for yeye. and, she takes 2 servings. why not give my ah gong the 2 servings and she just take one? i mean, she has plenty of time of her life. she can eat 100000000 sharks fin soup for all i care(well, i m not sure if there are so many sharks for her to eat) my ah gong doesnt have much time left. i want him to enjoy. i was quite pissed, but it would appear too rude of me to hold back her chopsticks and get HEr food for yeye.
she was also very rude to him. dint talk to him , dint bother about him. perhaps to her, yeye’s just an old nut. whom she would probably classify as ‘dam nook’. well, i am so classfied under being nook. wad abt yeye?
talking abt her makes me pissed.
people always say ‘xiao3 hai2 zi3 hai2 xiao3, bu4 yao4 ze2 guai4 ta1 men2′
in fact, this is the very core belief that BREEDS ingrates. yes, the word is breed. why, and for wad reason would one want to breed an ingrate??
scolding is a form of education. scientifically, it has been proven that shocks introduced in the learning process will stimulate and enhance learning. thats the whole point. if she cant wake up her idea, do not know how to respect and love the elderly, you jolly well gotta wake up the inert genes that have been covered by all those fats. stop eating your nuggets, thats quite enuff. reveal your ‘love genes’
okay i realise i haf attacked her quite alot. i just find it a huge turn off. change victim.
now, talk abt the elderlies. as in, uncles and aunts.
they decided not to embalm the body sayin that it is not natural and the corpse may scare people or sth.
why, isit because you all cant spare with the cash to embalm? waste money? my brother flew all the way back from japan. it costs 1.1k. he wasnt able to see my grandpa, not even his dead body. i mean, spending 1.1k just to carry out some ceremonial rites, my younger bro can take his duties. he neednt come back.
another reason was that because there was no transparent glass at the top of the coffin, no one has to shou3 ye4 to ensure that pregnant cats do not cross teh coffin. it is a traditional myth that the corpse becomes a zombie if a cat does jump across a coffin with a glass ‘window’
and, there was no orbituary. not even a 2inch by 2inch column. okay that is their preference. dey say no need to tell ppl. if ppl wanna come they will come.
well, the funeral process is just very screwed. look, i can actually go back home to sleep. take nap. this morning we came early and they said ‘wah why come so early? sleep more mar’
when i saw my grandfather ytd, before he died, i asked him ‘ye ye, you wanna go home is it?? ‘
his heart raced. then i said ‘yeye, if you want to go home, blink your eyes hard. surprisingly, his eyes did blink rather hard. then i was quite shocked, i asked the same question again, he blinked hard again. i dunno if it was a coincidence. then i changing the phrasing of the question. i said ‘yeye, if you wanna go home, dont blink.’
he dint blink.
he couldnt comm because he had a breathing tube inserted into his trachea. i wasnt sure if i was right that he wants to pass away at home. i went to the waiting room to tell my dad abt it. but i looked too blur to be able to be believed. yes, my fault, i am a blur cock. why dint they believe me? why didnt i do something about it??
tell you something cruel. when the doctor said my yeye’s body is failing, that his kidneys cant work as per normal, they decided to remove his breathing tube and his dialysis machine.
thats y, he died. the doctor predicted that he would take less than 5 hours, max 1 day to die. but, he suffered for a whole 2.5 days.
stupid doctor. wad a lousy prediction. for god’s sake, dun make lousy speculations. you caused my grandpa unnecessary suffering.
after my ah gong passed away, ytd one of my cousins said that my ah gong once wrote a message ‘Will i go home?’
it was then that i confirmed that i was right. my ah gong really dint want to die at the hospital. he wanted very much to go home. he was hoping that some1 would bring him home.
no one bothered.
at the ward, yes, there were his children around. but they were not crowding around his bed. they were at the side tables, talking abt food, about travel.
no one really bothered talking or communicating with him.
my dad kept telling yeye ’sleep. dad, sleep. sleep alr not so pain’
i was quite shocked.
i told my dad ‘i can tell yeye is suffering. there must be a reason why he dint want to leave. if i were him, i would leave if my children wants me to. unless i have a wish unfulfilled.’
similarly, my dad felt i could be too imaginative.
yeye was waiting for something. we could tell. my mom asked him ‘are u waiting for mervin?’ (my elder brother) he looked emotionless.
which means, he wasnt waiting for mervin. he was waiting to get home to rest.
it was unfulfilled.
i was very, very upset. i cried, and shouted at my mom just now. i asked her why no1 believed me.
she said, its not my fault. it was my aunts’ and uncles’.
playing the blame game may be convenient. but if given a choice, i wanna wash my hands off this game.
i guess, it was my fault that i wasnt assertive enuff.
reading books (i feel happy now when i read. even if its one page, two pages, or three. when i read i feel very happy!! i feel happy to be able to own a book and to read it. i dint use to feel such simple joys)